![]() JASON pummels THE ROCK until his muscles are nice and tender and ready for open flame grilling. He straps the CAMERA to a PAINT SHAKER attached to a JACKHAMMER during an EARTHQUAKE. Yes! A chance to show everyone I’m capable of shooting good action scenes as well as good scary scenes! That’s because I went Turbo and jumped franchises! Statham? Wait, am I on the right set? I don’t remember being cast in the new Expendables. THE ROCK is alone and filling out paperwork with his PECKS when he notices JASON hacking his computer and downloading info on VIN DIESEL’S CREW. No, it’s because the tombstone you guys got me says I “died” in 2009, which means Tokyo Drift must have taken place in 2015 even though all the cars, clothes and technology in Drift were distinctly from 2006 and OH MY GOD THIS FRANCHISE’S TIMELINE MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE THAN TERMINATOR’S I’M OUT OF HERE! Is it because you have no memory of the love we shared? Your voice sounds like a car crusher filled with cats while Mickey Rourke and Al Pacino strangle each other with sand paper, so let’s dub all your lines into English from now on, okay? “But our target audience of teens were babies when that movie came out and don’t really give a rat’s ass about the racing anymore so we should just move on with the plot?” Harsh, but if you say so. “We used to come here back when these movies were actually about cars and racing”, you say? Uh, Vin? What are we doing here again? I still have amnesia from the last movie, derp. MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ and AN OLD LEATHER COUCH VIN DIESEL go to a RACING CONCERT. I can’t hear you over the sound of my baldness. ![]() But how? You’ve just killed most of our employees and you’ve collapsed the entrance to the building! You’ve made it physically impossible for us to properly treat your brother! Now you guys take good care of my brother, ya hear?īut. ![]() The camera pulls back to reveal that JASON has completely DESTROYED THE ENTIRE HOSPITAL! Previously on Fast & Furious: my baby brother Luke was a dick to Vin Diesel and his crew so they catapulted him out of a moving plane, which he somehow survived, but not Gina Carano or Gal Gadot because fuck those guys. JASON STATHAM visits his brother LUKE EVANS, who is in a COMA and who is looking pretty good for a guy who DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH in the last movie. ![]()
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